Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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