Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
