im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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