It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
