I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
