Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
