Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
