Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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