Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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