did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
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