Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Sorry my hands just texted you
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
