This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
