i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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