I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
