I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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