We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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