Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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