Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
