My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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