I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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