yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
The best revenge is premature balding
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Be still, my beating vagina.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
