Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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