my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
He has the fingertips of a God
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