I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
