On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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