He disabled his match.com account in front of me
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Randomize
