dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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