I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
