The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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