i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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