Pants 0. Shit 1.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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