you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Your cock deserves a montage
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
