Will you blow on my dice?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
