im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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