I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
NoShamevember. You game?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
