He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
