You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
