I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
