We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
