The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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