Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
