Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
