Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
