I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
