11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
