I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She's the barista slut.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
