i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
