Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
