I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
