Don't make out with my wife yet
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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