i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
