I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
