Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Ladies don't puke and tell
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
