I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
